So Much Better

We are really settling in now and finding our new normal.  Of course, I'm still learning how to deal with the added stress of having two kids versus one, but it is definitely so much better.  Hannah is starting to say more English words, mostly when repeating what we say, but she did ask for bubbles in her bath the other day by saying, "bubble"!  She understands a lot of what we say, and follows directions well, although she does have meltdowns quite a bit when she wants one of Miles's toys or can't quite get us to understand what she's telling us in Chinese.  I know it will all get better as time goes by and Hannah learns to speak more English.

I took Hannah to her first doctor's appointment week before last and the hearing in her right ear was tested and was found to be normal, to our delight!  We'll be making another appointment with a craniofacial doctor to evaluate her microtia and give us an idea of treatments available for her.  We're not in a big hurry, though, because at this point we think it will mostly be cosmetic treatments to give her left ear and face a more normal appearance.  There could be a possibility of improving her hearing in her left ear too, but she seems to function so normally with good hearing in one ear, that we're not too worried about it.

Last week I completed the last of gathering stool samples from Hannah.  Boy was that fun! :(  The doctor said this would be to check for parasites.  I'll be dropping them off tomorrow at the lab and while we're there we'll have her blood drawn and they'll check to make sure her vaccinations are good and check for other various things.  As of her appointment, she weighs 27 pounds and is 38 1/2 inches tall.  She is very skinny for her height, but she eats a whole lot, so hopefully she'll catch up soon.

These days we spend a lot of mornings at the playground before it gets too hot, then late afternoon, the kids play on their Slip 'n Slide.  Last weekend we also got them a little pool, which they love.  They like to eat popsicles outside and to blow bubbles.  I've got plans for other things for us to do this summer, like library story times and trips to the beach area at the lake, things where we can all stay cool.

More photos to come soon!

Two Weeks Home!

Today we've been home with Hannah two weeks! And what a two weeks it's been! The first week was really hard; one of the hardest of my life in fact, but last week it got easier. Now I feel so much better, it's amazing. Everyone said give it some time, and they were right. I’m starting to get used to Hannah being here, and more importantly, I’m so glad she’s here! As I told our social worker, I can feel the love creeping in.

Chip’s mother is here this weekend, so I only have time for a quick post and a few pictures from our first two weeks home. I just got all the pictures on my computer last night, so on a later post, I’ll share more pictures from our time in China.


 
Showing Hannah her room when we first got home:

A Wonderful Day

I just wrote the last post this morning, and felt moved to write again tonight.  I had a wonderful day, the best so far since we came home!  Chip was home since it was Saturday, so that helped, and I just felt more relaxed today with Hannah.  We spent the morning around the house, just spending time with the kids, then headed two blocks from our house to Dairy Queen for lunch.  When we got home, we got Hannah down for a nap and then a friend of mine picked me up to go see a movie.  It was so nice to get out of the house with no kids and escape responsibility for 2 hours!  We saw Letters to Juliet, which was a good movie.  I love to watch movies set in Italy, so I really enjoyed it.

I came home to two happy kids and a tired husband.  I am so thankful to have Chip.  My anxiety has been hard on him, and he's willing to do anything for me to help me get through this.  We had supper and then got the kids ready for bed.  Our bedtime routine was when some things different and very hopeful happened.  For the first time, Hannah actually paid attention to the stories, and also sat beside her brother in my lap without  complaining that she was having to share me with him!  It was so nice!  Just the way I'd always imagined it.  Then, even better, she was mostly quiet during the prayer, then listened and fell asleep as I sang lullabies.  Wow.  It touched my heart so much, and eased some of my anxiety over whether or not this would all work.  We are only at one week home, and Hannah has already settled in enough to enjoy her new bedtime routine.  I am so blessed.

I know not every night will go this smoothly, but I do know that many will.  I've been praying to feel God's presence lately during my struggles, and today I did.  I know He's there, and He's telling me it will all be alright.

Home One Week

Today it has been one week since we got home with Shi Lin.  We are now making an effort to get her used to her new name by calling her "Hannah Lin-lin," and it seems to be working.  Sorry I haven't written since day 13 in China.  The trip was really rough for me, physically and emotionally, and I didn't have much time to get online. 

In my last post I said I was over the Post Adoption Depression/Anxiety, but shortly after, I found that was not the case.  It still comes and goes, but I do think it's getting better.  It is something that has completely caught me off guard, as it does with so many new adoptive mothers.  I was so excited to meet my daughter, and when it turned out to be nothing like what I expected, I panicked.  When I'm down, it is a really dark time for me.  When I'm up, I'm not as positive as I wish I was, but I can see little glimmers of hope.  Everyone assures me that with time, everything will change and I will settle into my new "normal" life.  Letting go of my old life has been extremely hard for me, and at times I focus on it so much that I feel like I'm ready to give up.  But then I can see enough of reality to know that things will get better, and in time I will feel the love for my daughter and not be able to imagine life without her.

I debated on whether to discuss this subject.  I don't want to discourage anyone from adopting, particularly older children.  But the fact that I've never read a blog entry about PAD made me determined to talk about it, to hopefully help prepare other mothers of the possibility of it happening to them, that it is normal, and that they are not alone if it does.  On most blogs, post-adoption life seems so rosy, so ideal, and maybe it is for many, maybe for those who are posting.  Maybe those with PAD just aren't the ones posting, and if they are, they feel ashamed and guilty about their feelings so they hide them. I hope that mothers of newly adopted children suffering from PAD will read my blog, maybe someone who would not have even known they could get help otherwise, will reach out to others for support and know that everything will be ok.  I have two friends who have been so supportive of me, I don't know what I would have done without them.  These are new friends of mine; I met each of them only months before we went to China.  They each have a child from China and completely identify with me.  They have reached out with so much love and understanding, to say I'm touched is such an understatement.  I owe these women so much.

One of my friends has a therapist for both herself and her daughter and she says she's helped them so much.  I've asked for her contact information and I'm going to call her Monday morning and see if I can get in to see her.  I want so much to feel positive about my new life and my new daughter.  Hannah really is a beautiful little girl, both in and out.  She is doing amazingly well, and doesn't seem to have some of the problems other parents describe about their newly-adopted children.  She goes to bed easily in her own bed, sleeps through the night, eats well, and seems to have a healthy attachment to me and Chip.  So it's not her fault that I'm going through PAD.  There is a side of me that is still excited to have her home, that looks forward to her learning more English so we can communicate better.  A part of me that can't wait for things like ballet classes and Girl Scouts, and trips to the salon together.

As I was typing this post, Hannah woke up and I heard her voice calling me.  I felt much better than I normally do when I hear that, and I cheerfully went to her room and greeted her with "good morning."  Right now I feel so positive.  I know there will be tough, trying times.  But I know I can get through it with support from my friends and family, and ultimately, God.  Please keep us all in your prayers at this time of transition in our family.

P.S.  I'll post more pictures when I get the chance.  They're all still on the cameras and Chip's notebook computer! :)

Day 13

Just a quick update: I'm happy to say I'm over the Post Adoption Depression or Post Adoption Anxiety, or whatever it was.  I'm seeing things much more clearly now and can't wait to get Shi Lin back home and settled in!   We're enjoying our stay here in Guangzhou, but I'm so ready to be back in my house with more space.  Being cramped in this hotel room with two kids is starting to drive me crazy!   My sister is scheduled to be induced on Friday while we're flying back home, so please keep her and her new baby in your prayers.

Day 11

Sorry it's been so long since I posted.  We are really so busy and so exhausted every day.  And for a few days, I was not only physically exhausted, but also emotionally.  So it's been really hard for me to get on the computer and focus enough to write anything.  While Lin-lin seems to be adjusting to us just fine, I was having a difficult time at first.  I had a touch of PAD, or Post Adoption Depression.  If you're familiar with Post Partum Depression, then you have an idea what it is.  It happens to a lot of new adoptive mothers, but isn't talked about very much, because the mothers usually feel ashamed of their feelings.  I talked to our social worker and she assured me everything I was going through was perfectly normal.  Imagine you have spent years imagining your ideal adoptive child, then you see pictures of her and begin to add to the fantasy of what she is like.  You're so excited to finally meet her, and when you do, she is very different, and you realize although you feel love for her, she is still a stranger to you at this point.  She smells unfamiliar, she speaks a different language, and her personality is completely different than what you expected.  This is what I was going through those first few days, terrified that Shi Lin would never feel like my own child.  But after a few tearful phone calls to Beverley, our social worker, and following her advice, and mostly giving it all some time, I feel much more confident, and am so looking forward to getting my little girl home, watching her as she learns English, and settles into her new life with us. I am really starting to enjoy being here in China, especially now since we are in Guangzhou.  There are so many trees and the area is nice.  We've had some great tours , done a little shopping, and perhaps best of all, we're doing so much walking that Chip and I have lost some weight!  Yesterday we visited a Buddhist temple, visited a store where we got Shi Lin a traditional jade necklace, then we went to a grocery store.  The grocery store was really fun!  I loved picking out snacks to try.  In China, they love Pringles, and they have so many different flavors we don't have in the U.S.  We got crab flavor, which we haven't tried yet. Miles and Shi Lin are loving each other's company, and it's so good to see them play together.  She's  definitely a mama's girl right now, always asking for me to hold her, and calling for me when I leave the room or get out of her sight at all.  She has so much energy and can be very loud at times, which is testing my nerves, but she seems to be getting better lately, understanding better when we tell her to be quiet.   In spite of her energy, she goes to bed so easily, thank goodness!  They put a crib in our room, and as soon as we came in, she wanted in it.  So every night, when I say "Gai shui jale," ("Time for bed"), she climbs into the crib, we turn out the lights, and she lets out a few happy squeals, then sings a couple of songs (probably ones her foster mother sang to her), then goes right to sleep.  I'm so thankful bedtime is not a struggle. I'm missing everyone at home, and missing home, period.  China's nice, but I'm getting more and more homesick every day.  There is no place like home, and even more true for me right now, there's no place like home in the U.S.A.

Day 5 and More Photos!

Ok, I posted this yesterday morning but it didn't go through somehow, so I'm trying again: Today we signed all the paperwork to make Shi Lin legally ours!!!  We went afterward to a restaurant that specializes in dumplings, and they were delicious!  We also got to go to the hospital where Shi Lin was found when she was two days old.  The hospital had been remodeled, but we got to see where the original pediatrics area was where she was found, and also the new one, which they said is very similar to the old one. Today we also went to the police department to apply for Shi Lin's passport.  While we were waiting, the women around us were delighted to have us there among us.  They continually said "piao lian," which means beautiful or handsome, about Miles and Shi Lin.  One lady gave us a bag of candy for the kids, and another told us that China loves us.  Their response to us was so touching to me.      So now we are getting lots of attention, not only because we're westeners, but because we're westerners with a Chinese child.  Veronica is going to give us a piece of paper explaining that we adopted her, in case we decide to go out without her. I finally had a chance to resize some of the photos to post.  For some reason, it seems here in China you can only attach small file sizes to emails, which is why I only posted 2 photos yesterday.  So here are a few from the trip, including us with our guide in Beijing, Grace. We had a great time with Shi Lin yesterday, and she was even easy to put to bed and fell asleep very quickly!   And she slept all night.  I slept in one bed with her, Chip and Miles in another, and although she seemed to sleep very soundly, she moved around A LOT.  I had to keep moving her over so I could have enough room! J   When I woke up in the morning, the room was still dark, but I could faintly see her sleeping face.  It was so precious.  I've always loved just watching Miles's face while he's sleeping, and I already love watching Shi Lin's too. In a few days, we plan to have Veronica explain to Shi Lin about her new American name.  We'll have her tell her that she will have a new name, and that we still love her Chinese name and will still call her that too.  In fact, we're already calling her the nickname her foster family called her, "Lin-lin." Shi Lin continues to be so happy and doesn't seem to be having any problems adjusting to her new family and situation.  I thank God all the time for this blessing.  He has been so good to all of us.