Home One Week

Today it has been one week since we got home with Shi Lin.  We are now making an effort to get her used to her new name by calling her "Hannah Lin-lin," and it seems to be working.  Sorry I haven't written since day 13 in China.  The trip was really rough for me, physically and emotionally, and I didn't have much time to get online. 

In my last post I said I was over the Post Adoption Depression/Anxiety, but shortly after, I found that was not the case.  It still comes and goes, but I do think it's getting better.  It is something that has completely caught me off guard, as it does with so many new adoptive mothers.  I was so excited to meet my daughter, and when it turned out to be nothing like what I expected, I panicked.  When I'm down, it is a really dark time for me.  When I'm up, I'm not as positive as I wish I was, but I can see little glimmers of hope.  Everyone assures me that with time, everything will change and I will settle into my new "normal" life.  Letting go of my old life has been extremely hard for me, and at times I focus on it so much that I feel like I'm ready to give up.  But then I can see enough of reality to know that things will get better, and in time I will feel the love for my daughter and not be able to imagine life without her.

I debated on whether to discuss this subject.  I don't want to discourage anyone from adopting, particularly older children.  But the fact that I've never read a blog entry about PAD made me determined to talk about it, to hopefully help prepare other mothers of the possibility of it happening to them, that it is normal, and that they are not alone if it does.  On most blogs, post-adoption life seems so rosy, so ideal, and maybe it is for many, maybe for those who are posting.  Maybe those with PAD just aren't the ones posting, and if they are, they feel ashamed and guilty about their feelings so they hide them. I hope that mothers of newly adopted children suffering from PAD will read my blog, maybe someone who would not have even known they could get help otherwise, will reach out to others for support and know that everything will be ok.  I have two friends who have been so supportive of me, I don't know what I would have done without them.  These are new friends of mine; I met each of them only months before we went to China.  They each have a child from China and completely identify with me.  They have reached out with so much love and understanding, to say I'm touched is such an understatement.  I owe these women so much.

One of my friends has a therapist for both herself and her daughter and she says she's helped them so much.  I've asked for her contact information and I'm going to call her Monday morning and see if I can get in to see her.  I want so much to feel positive about my new life and my new daughter.  Hannah really is a beautiful little girl, both in and out.  She is doing amazingly well, and doesn't seem to have some of the problems other parents describe about their newly-adopted children.  She goes to bed easily in her own bed, sleeps through the night, eats well, and seems to have a healthy attachment to me and Chip.  So it's not her fault that I'm going through PAD.  There is a side of me that is still excited to have her home, that looks forward to her learning more English so we can communicate better.  A part of me that can't wait for things like ballet classes and Girl Scouts, and trips to the salon together.

As I was typing this post, Hannah woke up and I heard her voice calling me.  I felt much better than I normally do when I hear that, and I cheerfully went to her room and greeted her with "good morning."  Right now I feel so positive.  I know there will be tough, trying times.  But I know I can get through it with support from my friends and family, and ultimately, God.  Please keep us all in your prayers at this time of transition in our family.

P.S.  I'll post more pictures when I get the chance.  They're all still on the cameras and Chip's notebook computer! :)