All About Hannah

I wanted to take a moment to tell everyone about Hannah.  Of couse I've talked about her in previous posts, about how she's doing, etc, but haven't really gone into detail about her personality.  So here goes...

Hannah is one of those kids who rarely sits still.  She can also be loud, really loud at times.  When she gets excited, she loves to scream, those high-pitched kind of screams that feel like their going to pierce my eardrums.  She loves to come and tell me about things she and her ge ge (big brother) are doing, and she has the most adorable way of using hand gestures and mumbling with a few words thrown in to tell me all about it.  As the original description we read of her stated, she does love to be held.  So I hold her as much as I can.  Sometimes on the couch while she watches TV (which usually doesn't last too long, because, as I said before, she rarely sits still), sometimes at the table while she eats, and other times I carry her around as I do things in the kitchen. 

Speaking of the kitchen, she loves to spray my cleaning solution of water and vinegar on the table, and then wipe it down for me.  She also has a little hand broom that she likes to sweep up crumbs from the floor with.  And she loves to stir ingredients when I bake.  Hannah is definitely Mommy's little kitchen companion.  Any time I'm in there, she wants to be there too.  She even sits on the counter next to the sink while I do dishes.

Hannah likes to help me fold laundry, and then she puts up her own clothes!  She also likes to load the washer and dryer.  It's these little things, her helping me in the kitchen and with laundry, that make me look forward to the future when she is older and even more able to help me with things around the house.  It's not only the help, though.  It's the idea that I'll be able to share these with my own daughter, and pass on things I love like cooking and baking.  And most importantly, we'll be building a bond while we do these things together.  I am so blessed to have this little girl in my life.

Whenever Hannah gets hurt, and even if she's not really hurt, she says, "Ow!" and runs straight to me for a kiss on the boo-boo.  I give her the kiss, and she's fine.  It makes me feel so good that she finds comfort in that.  That she knows that I am her mother and can make everything ok.  I'm so thankful she doesn't seem to have any of the bonding issues I've heard of other older children having.  She is now so confident in situations, such as the playground.  She has no problem running off and playing, but every few minutes she comes back to check in with her Mommy.  And she has started to call me "Mommy," instead of the Chinese "Ma-ma," she started out with.  I just love that!

Hannah and Miles are getting along better lately.  It is such a joy to see them play harmoniously together!  One of the sweetest things to see them do is when Hannah asks Miles to hold her.  So he picks her up and carries her for a few steps, then they both fall on the couch laughing.  They repeat this over and over and it's so fun to watch because they're having so much fun!  Of course, there is still fighting at times (Hannah hits Miles now and then), and neither one likes to share their toys with the other.  But these things are just normal sibling issues, so I'm not too worried about them.  I have a good feeling the two of them will grow up to be very close.

While Hannah can be very loud and even whiny at times (what 4-year-old isn't?), she is very sweet.  She tries to sing along when I sing lullabyes at night, and she even makes up her own songs featuring all of our names.  She is such a precious girl.

Days with Hannah

We're all doing even better than last time I posted.  I've been seeing a therapist to deal with my anxiety and according to her, I may have been lightly depressed for many years.  I knew my anxiety was bad, but I was always able to get to a point where I could control it, and didn't really think I suffered from depression.  But I think my therapist may be onto something.  She suggested I go see my doctor and get a prescription for a mild anti-depressant.  I've never taken anything like this in my life, so I was a little skeptical, but was willing to try anything right now to get a handle on my irritability, especially around the kids.  So I did as she suggested, and it has made a huge difference!  Of course, the stress is still there, but I'm able to handle it better than before, losing my cool less and less, which I am so thankful for.

So now that I'm able to put aside some of the anxiety and depression, I'm much more able to enjoy my new life with Hannah. She is so adorable, her sweet little face, the way she moves around when she's in a silly mood, like a little monkey, her baby-Mandarin, and her baby-English. She's such a wonderful little girl, and I'm so thankful I can see it now.

Hannah is learning new words, such as "potty." She used to say the Chinese word for potty, but now she uses the English word. She says "Amen," as soon as she sits down at the table to eat, because she knows we're about to ask the blessing. I'm trying to teach her the alphabet, without much luck yet, but she loves to look at the flashcards I made her. Her progress is slow, but I'm giving her all the time she needs to catch up with other 4-year-olds. Luckily, we homeschool, so I'm able to let her go at her own pace.

Hannah's stool sample results came back and she has giardia, which is an intestinal bacteria which many times goes away on its own, but we're getting a prescription to treat it. We still haven't gotten back her blood results.

Miles and Hannah are getting along better than when we first got home.  They're still learning to share and getting used to having a sibling, but there are times when they play so well together.  They'll even run into their room and close the door, and I can hear them giggle and scream with laughter.  It does my heart so much good to hear that.

My love for Hannah grows every day.  Yesterday, while I was on the couch trying to take a little nap, she came to me, kissed me on the cheek, and said "I love you."  Who couldn't love that.

Here are a few photos from since we've gotten home with Hannah:

The kids love to play between the couch and the wall, you'd think it was a playground!

Hannah is Mommy's little helper.  That girl LOVES to clean!

Hannah with a friend of ours from Taiwan, Hannah's "Mei Feng Ayi".

The above photo is one of my absolute favorites!!!  She reminds me so much of Rainbow Brite's friend, Patty O' Green, with her pigtails, mini-skirt and boots!  For a while she even had band-aids on her knees, just not on that particular day.

I almost don't need words for the next two photos.  I am completely convinced that I have the most beautiful daughter this world has ever seen.  Of course, I know I'm biased, but come on, look at that face!  Gorgeous.

So Much Better

We are really settling in now and finding our new normal.  Of course, I'm still learning how to deal with the added stress of having two kids versus one, but it is definitely so much better.  Hannah is starting to say more English words, mostly when repeating what we say, but she did ask for bubbles in her bath the other day by saying, "bubble"!  She understands a lot of what we say, and follows directions well, although she does have meltdowns quite a bit when she wants one of Miles's toys or can't quite get us to understand what she's telling us in Chinese.  I know it will all get better as time goes by and Hannah learns to speak more English.

I took Hannah to her first doctor's appointment week before last and the hearing in her right ear was tested and was found to be normal, to our delight!  We'll be making another appointment with a craniofacial doctor to evaluate her microtia and give us an idea of treatments available for her.  We're not in a big hurry, though, because at this point we think it will mostly be cosmetic treatments to give her left ear and face a more normal appearance.  There could be a possibility of improving her hearing in her left ear too, but she seems to function so normally with good hearing in one ear, that we're not too worried about it.

Last week I completed the last of gathering stool samples from Hannah.  Boy was that fun! :(  The doctor said this would be to check for parasites.  I'll be dropping them off tomorrow at the lab and while we're there we'll have her blood drawn and they'll check to make sure her vaccinations are good and check for other various things.  As of her appointment, she weighs 27 pounds and is 38 1/2 inches tall.  She is very skinny for her height, but she eats a whole lot, so hopefully she'll catch up soon.

These days we spend a lot of mornings at the playground before it gets too hot, then late afternoon, the kids play on their Slip 'n Slide.  Last weekend we also got them a little pool, which they love.  They like to eat popsicles outside and to blow bubbles.  I've got plans for other things for us to do this summer, like library story times and trips to the beach area at the lake, things where we can all stay cool.

More photos to come soon!

Two Weeks Home!

Today we've been home with Hannah two weeks! And what a two weeks it's been! The first week was really hard; one of the hardest of my life in fact, but last week it got easier. Now I feel so much better, it's amazing. Everyone said give it some time, and they were right. I’m starting to get used to Hannah being here, and more importantly, I’m so glad she’s here! As I told our social worker, I can feel the love creeping in.

Chip’s mother is here this weekend, so I only have time for a quick post and a few pictures from our first two weeks home. I just got all the pictures on my computer last night, so on a later post, I’ll share more pictures from our time in China.


 
Showing Hannah her room when we first got home:

A Wonderful Day

I just wrote the last post this morning, and felt moved to write again tonight.  I had a wonderful day, the best so far since we came home!  Chip was home since it was Saturday, so that helped, and I just felt more relaxed today with Hannah.  We spent the morning around the house, just spending time with the kids, then headed two blocks from our house to Dairy Queen for lunch.  When we got home, we got Hannah down for a nap and then a friend of mine picked me up to go see a movie.  It was so nice to get out of the house with no kids and escape responsibility for 2 hours!  We saw Letters to Juliet, which was a good movie.  I love to watch movies set in Italy, so I really enjoyed it.

I came home to two happy kids and a tired husband.  I am so thankful to have Chip.  My anxiety has been hard on him, and he's willing to do anything for me to help me get through this.  We had supper and then got the kids ready for bed.  Our bedtime routine was when some things different and very hopeful happened.  For the first time, Hannah actually paid attention to the stories, and also sat beside her brother in my lap without  complaining that she was having to share me with him!  It was so nice!  Just the way I'd always imagined it.  Then, even better, she was mostly quiet during the prayer, then listened and fell asleep as I sang lullabies.  Wow.  It touched my heart so much, and eased some of my anxiety over whether or not this would all work.  We are only at one week home, and Hannah has already settled in enough to enjoy her new bedtime routine.  I am so blessed.

I know not every night will go this smoothly, but I do know that many will.  I've been praying to feel God's presence lately during my struggles, and today I did.  I know He's there, and He's telling me it will all be alright.

Home One Week

Today it has been one week since we got home with Shi Lin.  We are now making an effort to get her used to her new name by calling her "Hannah Lin-lin," and it seems to be working.  Sorry I haven't written since day 13 in China.  The trip was really rough for me, physically and emotionally, and I didn't have much time to get online. 

In my last post I said I was over the Post Adoption Depression/Anxiety, but shortly after, I found that was not the case.  It still comes and goes, but I do think it's getting better.  It is something that has completely caught me off guard, as it does with so many new adoptive mothers.  I was so excited to meet my daughter, and when it turned out to be nothing like what I expected, I panicked.  When I'm down, it is a really dark time for me.  When I'm up, I'm not as positive as I wish I was, but I can see little glimmers of hope.  Everyone assures me that with time, everything will change and I will settle into my new "normal" life.  Letting go of my old life has been extremely hard for me, and at times I focus on it so much that I feel like I'm ready to give up.  But then I can see enough of reality to know that things will get better, and in time I will feel the love for my daughter and not be able to imagine life without her.

I debated on whether to discuss this subject.  I don't want to discourage anyone from adopting, particularly older children.  But the fact that I've never read a blog entry about PAD made me determined to talk about it, to hopefully help prepare other mothers of the possibility of it happening to them, that it is normal, and that they are not alone if it does.  On most blogs, post-adoption life seems so rosy, so ideal, and maybe it is for many, maybe for those who are posting.  Maybe those with PAD just aren't the ones posting, and if they are, they feel ashamed and guilty about their feelings so they hide them. I hope that mothers of newly adopted children suffering from PAD will read my blog, maybe someone who would not have even known they could get help otherwise, will reach out to others for support and know that everything will be ok.  I have two friends who have been so supportive of me, I don't know what I would have done without them.  These are new friends of mine; I met each of them only months before we went to China.  They each have a child from China and completely identify with me.  They have reached out with so much love and understanding, to say I'm touched is such an understatement.  I owe these women so much.

One of my friends has a therapist for both herself and her daughter and she says she's helped them so much.  I've asked for her contact information and I'm going to call her Monday morning and see if I can get in to see her.  I want so much to feel positive about my new life and my new daughter.  Hannah really is a beautiful little girl, both in and out.  She is doing amazingly well, and doesn't seem to have some of the problems other parents describe about their newly-adopted children.  She goes to bed easily in her own bed, sleeps through the night, eats well, and seems to have a healthy attachment to me and Chip.  So it's not her fault that I'm going through PAD.  There is a side of me that is still excited to have her home, that looks forward to her learning more English so we can communicate better.  A part of me that can't wait for things like ballet classes and Girl Scouts, and trips to the salon together.

As I was typing this post, Hannah woke up and I heard her voice calling me.  I felt much better than I normally do when I hear that, and I cheerfully went to her room and greeted her with "good morning."  Right now I feel so positive.  I know there will be tough, trying times.  But I know I can get through it with support from my friends and family, and ultimately, God.  Please keep us all in your prayers at this time of transition in our family.

P.S.  I'll post more pictures when I get the chance.  They're all still on the cameras and Chip's notebook computer! :)

Day 13

Just a quick update: I'm happy to say I'm over the Post Adoption Depression or Post Adoption Anxiety, or whatever it was.  I'm seeing things much more clearly now and can't wait to get Shi Lin back home and settled in!   We're enjoying our stay here in Guangzhou, but I'm so ready to be back in my house with more space.  Being cramped in this hotel room with two kids is starting to drive me crazy!   My sister is scheduled to be induced on Friday while we're flying back home, so please keep her and her new baby in your prayers.